Life baggage/s

I don’t know why it’s so difficult to let go of life’s baggages.

I get terribly sentimental. I like holding on to memories, rather, I have no say in the matter, since I have a good memory and it’s easy for me to remember all the good and bad experiences from days long gone.

But why can I not stop looking back?

Why do I keep holding on to baggages from long ago knowing it gets heavier each day and stops me from propelling forward?

I’ve re-started reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly, and there’s a part, among many others, that struck me.

“Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: “Remember when…? Those were the days…”

I am sentimental, and nostalgia is my friend. Maybe, maybe the reason why I could not let go of my baggage is that I find comfort in the illusion that I was a better person before. Was I? Haha. I laugh at that notion. I mean if that were the case, my character development, rather, the lack of character development in me is apparent. Was I really better before? Or maybe there are some things from the past that I wish I could have brought with me in the present?

Or am I discontent? That’s why I keep on comparing what I am now, to what I was before?

There are so many uncertainties in the present, and I think that’s why I’m losing my grasp towards who I am. There are a lot of voices in my head telling me what I am supposed to be now. But what am I supposed to be now?

Maybe I have many regrets over the many things that I’ve done, that I thought I might have done better.

Maybe I just thought that I could have been better.

Or maybe, I just have not forgiven myself yet over the many failures I’ve done, expectations I’ve let down, commitments I’ve broken, and individuals I’ve hurt, in the process of finding myself.

I’ve always said that I have learned not to be too regretful of my decisions in the past because if not for those, I wouldn’t be where I am now. But what if I don’t like where I am now?

That is not to say I don’t like where I am now. I do. I am happy and grateful that I have been blessed a lifetime of companionship with the person who has always been a constant in my life, Q, my husband, my best-est friend.

But what of these baggages, if I am happy where I am now?

Maybe, maybe, I just haven’t really learned how to let go.

Or maybe I never wanted to let them go in the first place?

Damn it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *